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The best jokes and joke writers!

Boyfriend Buying Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Best BF Ever

A guy is running on a treadmill in the gym and he sees an iPhone X sitting on the next treadmill with no one around. Just then it starts ringing and a buff dude comes and answers it on speakerphone. It's a sweet voice of a young woman. The conversation goes like this:

Women: HEY BABY!!! ARE YOU STILL AT THE GYM?

Buff Dude: Yeah!!

Women: Well, okay, so I'm out shopping with my friend Sarah and we see this beautiful dress, it's so gorgeous! It's the last one and it's on sale. Sarah says it makes me look hot and that I should buy it now. I think so too but I don't have that much cash.  Would you mind if I use your card to buy it? It's only $600. Please Please?

Buff Dude: Okay!!!

Women: THANK YOU HONEY!!! Also, there's this beautiful necklace that matches the dress and it's on sale for $199. The dress is nothing without the necklace, can I get it too?

Buff Dude: Yeah!!

Women: OMG!! you are the best and speaking of the best you know that Kaitlyn's wedding is coming up and these guys have this beautiful gown, It will make me look like a princess and it's only $1200.  Can I get that now too?

Buff Dude: get it...

Women: OH MY GOSH...YOU ARE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER !!! I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH...THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M GONNA TREAT YOU FOR THIS. DON'T SPEND ALL OF YOUR ENERGY AT THE GYM, YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT TONIGHT!

LOVE YOU!!!

Buff Dude: Bye!!

The buff dude takes the phone and leaves.  The guy can't believe the conversation, figures the buff dude must be loaded and babe extremely hot. A few minutes later he hears a page over the gym loudspeaker:

Would the person who lost an iPhone X please come to the front desk - you had a phone call!

Fake It

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

Rejection Lines by Women

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Three Nuns and the Statue

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says, "I need a cigarette."

"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."

"That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand. The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"