Dear Diary

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1: All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2: Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3: At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4: Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5: Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6: Today I saved 2600 lives. Twice.

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

May September Marriage

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl. "Really?" said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?" The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it." Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out. "Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant." The doctor nods knowingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?" The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too!"