An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"
Paradox of Woman
- If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
- If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
- If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
- If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
- If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
- If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
- If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
- If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
- If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
- If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
- If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
- If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
- If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
- If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it for one minute!" Marie snapped. "You're just saying that to make me jealous!!!"
Saving the Situation
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Two women who are best friends are talking.
"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"What would we be then?