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The best jokes and joke writers!

Jokes on the Judge

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Surprised Wife

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

Some Quick Thinking

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."

"Okay." the man replies, "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little bastards!"

Paradox of Woman

  • If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
  • If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
  • If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
  • If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
  • If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
  • If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
  • If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
  • If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
  • If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
  • If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
  • If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
  • If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
  • If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
  • If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Bubba's Secret

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"