Fighting Over a Quarter

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"

Blowjob On Heinz

A woman was engaged to get married. She had never had any sexual experience whatsoever. So she asked a couple of her friends what she could do to her husband on their wedding night to really impress him. One of her friends suggested that she give him a blowjob. She asked what a blowjob was, but they were all too embarrassed to tell her. Finally one friend told her to just go home and practice on a ketchup bottle. So she practiced for months. Finally the big night came. They got married, went to the hotel room and she got ready to do her thing. She unzipped his pants, got down on her knees, grabbed his penis in her hand, took a deep breath... and started smacking the tip of it with the palm of her other hand.

Husband's Midlife Crisis

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

• If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him.
• If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
• If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
• If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.