Mood Ring

I've had terrible mood swings lately so my husband purchased a mood ring for me.  The hope was that by monitoring the ring we would get some insights into my moodiness.  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns bright green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.  Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Slip Of The Tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

World's Greatest Lover

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.