The New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.  Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"  Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"  Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along.
Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."  Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.  Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"  Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!  
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Bob's Big Mistake

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Middle Aged Newlyweds

A middle aged man and woman fall in love and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." Startled, the groom says, "How can that be? You've been married twice..." The bride responds, "Well, you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex." Catching her breath, she continues, "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... Oh God, I miss him!"