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The best jokes and joke writers!

Muslim Bookstore

The other day, I was walking through the mall and noticed that a new Muslim bookstore had opened. I wondered exactly what was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk said, "Fuck off!  Get out and Stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

Russia and Trump

Q: What is Russia going to do since Trump struck Syria?

A: Vote Democratic in the next election.

The difference between the government and the Mafia?

Q: What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?

A: One of them is organized.

Medical Advancement

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

Marion Barry Quotes

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry:

  • "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
  • "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
  • "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
  • "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
  • "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
  • "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
  • "I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
  • "People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
  • "The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
  • "I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
  • "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
  • "People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
  • "I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."