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The best jokes and joke writers!

I've Changed My Mind

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind these bushes?" She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!" "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

Pick-Up Lines Galore

  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
  • Nice legs....what time do they open?
  • Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  • You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
  • I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
  • I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
  • I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
  • Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
  • You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
  • I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
  • You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  • My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

Uber Pickup

Try telling this joke the next time you're trying to pick up a girl.

Three flies are stuck in a jar. Two female flies and one male fly. For some reason the female flies have it in their heads that the male knows how to get out. The first female fly buzzes over the the male and asks him how to get out of the jar.

"Make love to me and I'll tell you."

She's desperate to get out, so she agrees.

"What you need to do is, start flying around the top to get some speed, dive toward the bottom and pull up to the top at the last second and you'll [snap your fingers ] pop right out."

So she does exactly as he says. Right as she pulls up toward the top [smack your hand] SPLAT! She hits the lid and falls down dead.

So the second female fly, because flies are dumb, goes over the the male fly and asks him the same thing, how to get out of the jar.

"Make love to me and I'll tell you."

She too is desperate to get out, so she agrees.

"What you need to do is, start flying around the top to get some speed, dive toward the bottom and pull up to the top at the last second and you'll [*snap] pop right out."

So she also does exactly as he says. Right as she pulls up toward the top [*smack your hand] SPLAT! She hits the lid and falls down dead.

So now this male fly is in a jar with two dead female flies, and he wants out. So he flies around the top to get some speed, dives toward the bottom, pulls up at the last second, and [*snap] pops right out.

You know she's going to ask you how he got out, and you say.......

Ten Inches

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

Hot Babe In The Bar

A hot babe goes into a bar and orders a 'sex on the beach'. She notices a slick dude at the end of the bar with a very prominent feature. "Hi big guy," she says, batting her eyelashes. "Oh hello, beautiful," he says stepping closer to her.
"I couldn't help but notice what big feet you have," as a look of wonderment spreads across her face. "You know what that means..." he coos. "Yes, trouble for the ants," she says.