One-Liner Jokes

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
• Do fish get cramps after eating?

Five out of six people are okay with Russian Roulette

I'D LOVE TO BUT:

• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I have to floss my pets.
• I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
• I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
• I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
• .I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
• I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
• I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
• I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
• It's my parakeet's bowling night.
• My patent is pending.
• The nice man on television told me to say tuned.

Q:  What's the best thing about growing old?

A:  You get to hide your own Easter eggs.

• Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
• Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Banning the bra was a big flop.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.