Broken Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Three Most Commonly Asked Questions

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Naked Taxi

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink, det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"