Money Jokes

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4.  It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M.

He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.  An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M."

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh!  Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.  Whoooooosh!  It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!  And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!  It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!!  Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years. A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

Q: Why don't oysters give to charity?

A: Because they're shellfish.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.