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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Fortunate Coincidence

John: "I'm glad you named me John."

Mother: "Why?"

John: "Because that's what all the kids at school call me."

Shark Week - Father Knows Best

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sinking ship. " Follow me son," the father shark said and they swam to the mass of people. " First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing " And they did. " Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing " And they did. " Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Paddy the Puddy Cat Sitter

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat"

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time."  

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida.  However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

"Everything's ok over here" Paddy said.  "Except you're cat. It's dead!"

"Oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!"

"What do you mean?" replied Paddy. "Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree.  The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down.  On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg.  Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic," explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologized and another week went by.  One day O'Leary got another phone call.  It was Paddy again.  "All right O'Leary," he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma -She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down!"

Cost of Marriage

The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son" he said. "I'm still paying for it."