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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Old Maid's Burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold who started to rob a house. He opened the window and then crept in as quiet as a mouse. 

He looked around for a place to hide until the folks were asleep. Then he said, , "With all that money I'll be sure to take a quiet sneak. 

"So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall. He didn't know it was an old maid's room or he would have never had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal, as under the bed he lay.  But at nine o'clock he saw a sight that made his hair turn gray.

You see at just that time the old maid came in, "I am so tired," was all she said.  She thought all was well that night so she didn't even look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye and the hair from off her head. But the burglar, he had forty fits as he watched from under the bed.

Hidden away the burglar crept, he was a total wreck! The old maid wasn't asleep at all and she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call, she was as cool as a clam. She only said, "The Saints be praised, at last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew, and to the burglar she calmly said, "Young man, if you don't marry me, I'll blow off the top of your head!

"She held him firmly by the neck, he didn't have a chance to scoot. He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye, and said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

Ugly

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!" The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

Yo Mama - Santa

Yo mama so ugly, she wore a paper sack when you went to see Santa so he wouldn't cry for the photo.

Dark Down Under

Q: What do you call 10,000 black dudes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A damn good start.

Your Teeth

Your teeth are so big when you sneeze you bite your chest.