Yo Mama - Tears
Yo mama so ugly, when she cries, the tears run down her back.
Yo Mama - Hairline
Yo mama so ugly, her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!" The President replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea." The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The Old Maid's Burglar
A story I'll tell of a burglar bold who started to rob a house. He opened the window and then crept in as quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide until the folks were asleep. Then he said, , "With all that money I'll be sure to take a quiet sneak.
"So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall. He didn't know it was an old maid's room or he would have never had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal, as under the bed he lay. But at nine o'clock he saw a sight that made his hair turn gray.
You see at just that time the old maid came in, "I am so tired," was all she said. She thought all was well that night so she didn't even look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye and the hair from off her head. But the burglar, he had forty fits as he watched from under the bed.
Hidden away the burglar crept, he was a total wreck! The old maid wasn't asleep at all and she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call, she was as cool as a clam. She only said, "The Saints be praised, at last I've got a man!"
From under the pillow a gun she drew, and to the burglar she calmly said, "Young man, if you don't marry me, I'll blow off the top of your head!
"She held him firmly by the neck, he didn't have a chance to scoot. He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye, and said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"