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The best jokes and joke writers!

50 Cent

Yo mama so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent. 

One Wish

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

A hearty breakfast

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I don't have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

A Bunch of Better Idiots

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

  • "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
  • "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
  • "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
  • "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
  • "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm... I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen... do you?
  • "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No... that's your brain miss-firing.)
  • "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know... how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)
  • "I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok... hold on... I'll check with the caveman...)
  • "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

Bone Specialist

He should study to be a bone specialist -- he has the head for it.