An older guy goes to the doctor’s office to ask about getting a prescription for Viagra. He’s in the waiting room when the woman at the reception desk calls his name and says, for everyone to hear, “Mr. Herder, You’re here to see the doctor about your impotence, right?” The guy is mortified. “No,” he says, just as loudly. “I’m looking into getting a sex change operation, and I was hoping to get the same doctor who did yours.”
A hearty breakfast
A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I don't have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.
A Bunch of Better Idiots
These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.
- "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
- "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
- "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
- "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
- "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm... I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen... do you?
- "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No... that's your brain miss-firing.)
- "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know... how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)
- "I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok... hold on... I'll check with the caveman...)
- "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!
He should study to be a bone specialist -- he has the head for it.
Officer Efficiency Reports
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."