Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode wasn't real and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

A Wish for Christmas

It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down, a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on Santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y," touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds, "Nope." So Santa again says, "Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E," as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said, "Nope." Well Santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E," once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little responds, "Nope." Well at this time Santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, "Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas?" The little boy then looked at Santa and said, "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y, and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger!"

MAFIA Valetine Card Verses

• My love for you... it came and went.
• So your feet are now in wet cement.
• I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes, Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
• Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
• I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
• Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
• Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
• Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
• The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look, You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
• Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
• Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
• Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
• When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!