The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me, Some parts to a Mustang GT. On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 2 huntin dawg, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 9 years probation, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 1 Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 1 rasslin tickets, 1 Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8 manly dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT. On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me, 1 pack of Bud, 1 rasslin tickets, 1 Copenhagen, 9 years probation, 8 table dancers, 7 packs of Red Man, 6 cans of Spam, 5 TURKEY WINGS, 4 mud tires, 3 shotgun shells, 2 huntin dawgs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.
 

Redneck Christmas Shopping

You know you're a redneck when...
you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

Preparing for Santa

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
 
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209