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The best jokes and joke writers!

Spinster's Wishes

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

"Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?"

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said "I really get two more wishes?"

"Yes", the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires."

"Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted."

Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man."

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping. The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured... "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"

Magic Mirror

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I am the thinnest person in the world", and poof!  The mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror, "I think I am the prettiest person in the world", and poof!  The mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

Blonde, Redhead, and Brunette Lost in the Desert

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Poof!

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared. Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women." Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again." And poof!...He was back at his desk in the government office!

Dead Cow & The Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.  Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.  When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation and he shot himself in the head. 

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead as well as the cow dead and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.  But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you. "The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.  Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.  The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."  And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.  There he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."  The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"  The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"  Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"