Good Morning

A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it's in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home drunk after 3 A.M., parked the car on the front lawn, broke the stair railing, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the kitchen island."
Confused, He asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!!!"

Eating a Lot

When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.

Symbols

Q: If a stork symbolizes birth what type of bird symbolizes birth control?
A: A swallow.