Whore and Bungee Jumper

Q: What do a whore and a bungee jumper have in common?
A: They cost the same, last as long, and if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

Paying In Advance

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now

Locked Out

Locked my keys in the car outside an abortion clinic. They weren't impressed when I went in and asked if they had a coat hanger.