A Woman's Random Thoughts

• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!
• A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
• They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

Lost Love

I had an imaginary girlfriend for a few years, but she ended up leaving me for my best friend.
He had a bigger imagination than I did.

Car Acronyms

• AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence. Always Unsafe Designs Implemented. All Un-informed Drivers Insulted. All Unnecessary Devices Installed
• BMW - Big Money Works. Bought My Wife. Brutal Money Waster
• BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
• CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips. Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
• DODGE - Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater. Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
• FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily. Found On Road, Dead. Fast Only Rolling Downhill
• GM - General Maintenance
• GMC - Garage Man's Companion
• HONDA - Had One Never Did Again. Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
• HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
• MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along
• OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile Back
• TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
• VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
• VW - Virtually Worthless