Funny Nursery Rhymes

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?" Red said, "To grandma's." Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off." Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun." So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house." The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!" She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun." About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!" And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off." "Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling. "No, you ain't," said Little Red. "What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback. Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty. Go figure.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down." So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.
Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito, and Dominic. These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired. Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins from North Jersey -- the Guinea Pigs."

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Mary had a little sheep, with this sheep, she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram, and Mary had a little lamb.