Actual Product Instructions

ON A HAIRDRYER: *Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: *You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: *Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: *Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: *Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT: *Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: *Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: *Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: *Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):  *Warning: May cause drowsiness. 
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: *Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: *For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: *Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: *Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: *Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: *Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Kewl Job Application!

NAME: Iam Applyin
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

• SALARY: Less than I'm worth
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:  The nearest hospital comes to mind.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:  Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

Eat Now

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."