Ads & Newspapers

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48.

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.

Affectionate means: Possessive.

Artist means: Unreliable.

Average looking means: You figure this one out.

Beautiful means: Pathological liar.

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.

Educated means: College drop-out.

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.

Free spirit means: Substance abuser.

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.

Fun means: Annoying.

Gentle means: Comatose.

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.

Humorous means: Caustic.

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.

Light drinker means: Lush.

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.

Loves Travel means: If you're paying.

Loves Animals means: Cat lady.

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.

Open-minded means: Desperate.

Outgoing means: Loud.

Passionate means: Loud.

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.

Reliable means: Frumpy.

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.

Self-employed means: Jobless.

Smart means: Insipid.

Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.

Stable means: Boring.

Tall, thin means: Anorexic.

Tan means: Wrinkled.

Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.

Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.

Writer means: Pompous.

Young at heart means: How about the rest.

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia. He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia." The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?" Artie answers, "No." The guy says, "Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money." So Artie says, "How much will you pay me?" The guy says, "I'm not gonna pay you." Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in." The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar." Artie says, "Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death. In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!" 

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

Craigslist Ad:

Are you single? Family and friend free? Scorned by your neighbors? Now you can be! Alienate them completely by playing your shitty mixtape at full volume all the fucking time.

Sick of the neighbor kid who plays the same shitty top-40 R&B mix tape every morning at 6 when she (or he, I'm not sexist) wakes up for school? Fulfill your fantasies of becoming a modern day Marquis de Sade and blast Canadian Superstar Raffi's hit single, Bananaphone, straight through their skulls at 3AM until they beg for mercy.

For the budding sociopath in you, I present the most unreasonable speakers ever to live in a New York City walk up apartment: the Acoustic Research P428 PS'sesses's.

With a classy black ash vinyl veneer, chipped in some corners, these speakers will lend an air of dumpster-chic to your hovel. Featuring a 4-way design, these babies have a soft dome tweeter that I have completely resisted pushing in. The mid-range and woofer cones are in remarkably good shape. I assume that they sold their soul to the devil. At the bottom, each MDF monolith features an integrated, rear-firing subwoofer with built in amp. When you turn them on, a red led by the tweeter turns green, telling you to go. Just go. You don't want to be near these things unless you hate your eardrums.

Have I mentioned that they are loud? They are. Do not set anything fragile anywhere near them. Fuck these speakers.

Why am I getting rid of them, you ask?

They're cramping my style, man. These things take up the valuable space I need to lounge naked on my floor, drinking sherry, and ignoring my love child like a modern day Oscar Wilde as I listen to bands you haven't heard of yet at an appropriately sensitive volume.

Cash sale only. No exceptions. If you're the kind of person who wants these speakers, you're probably not the kind of person I would like to interact with for long. Because I'm a douche. And so are you.

If you're not a haggling, sentient bag of dicks, I have an older Yamaha amp that I will give or sell you for cheap. I don't need it no more, ya hear?

Edit: Holy shit, $50 cheaper because I only have people telling me they like the ad, not that they want to buy some god-damn speakers.

Headline in today's newspaper:  "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!