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Real News Headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country:
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Home Alone Children
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
St. Paul, MN The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.
Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.
"I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."
The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
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Classified Funny Ads
- Include your children when baking cookies!
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
- Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
- We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
- This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
- For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
- Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
- Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- See ladies blouses. 50% off!
- Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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