We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Wife Swap

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

Newspaper Ad Looking for a Man

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”

Kewl Job Application!

NAME: Iam Applyin

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

  • SALARY: Less than I'm worth
  • MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
  • REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:  The nearest hospital comes to mind.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

Classified Error

  • (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
  • (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
  • (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
  • (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Women Seeking Men: The Truth

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48.

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.

Affectionate means: Possessive.

Artist means: Unreliable.

Average looking means: You figure this one out.

Beautiful means: Pathological liar.

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.

Educated means: College drop-out.

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.

Free spirit means: Substance abuser.

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.

Fun means: Annoying.

Gentle means: Comatose.

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.

Humorous means: Caustic.

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.

Light drinker means: Lush.

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.

Loves Travel means: If you're paying.

Loves Animals means: Cat lady.

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.

Open-minded means: Desperate.

Outgoing means: Loud.

Passionate means: Loud.

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.

Reliable means: Frumpy.

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.

Self-employed means: Jobless.

Smart means: Insipid.

Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.

Stable means: Boring.

Tall, thin means: Anorexic.

Tan means: Wrinkled.

Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.

Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.

Writer means: Pompous.

Young at heart means: How about the rest.