Ads & Newspapers - Classifieds

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads:

Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”

NAME: Iam Applyin

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

• SALARY: Less than I'm worth
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:  The nearest hospital comes to mind.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Sagitarian with Cancer rising.

• (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
• (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
• (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
• (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48.

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will.

Affectionate means: Possessive.

Artist means: Unreliable.

Average looking means: You figure this one out.

Beautiful means: Pathological liar.

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.

Educated means: College drop-out.

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated.

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home.

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob.

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola.

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian.

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street.

Free spirit means: Substance abuser.

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut.

Fun means: Annoying.

Gentle means: Comatose.

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her.

Humorous means: Caustic.

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count.

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills.

Light drinker means: Lush.

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light.

Loves Travel means: If you're paying.

Loves Animals means: Cat lady.

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement.

Open-minded means: Desperate.

Outgoing means: Loud.

Passionate means: Loud.

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic.

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle.

Reliable means: Frumpy.

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out.

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light.

Self-employed means: Jobless.

Smart means: Insipid.

Special means: Rode the small school bus w/ tinted windows.

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult.

Stable means: Boring.

Tall, thin means: Anorexic.

Tan means: Wrinkled.

Wants Soul mate means: One step away from stalking.

Widow means: Nagged first husband to death.

Writer means: Pompous.

Young at heart means: How about the rest.