Jokes about Families - Mother Jokes

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

You might be a redneck if...

• You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
• You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
• You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
• Your house has a kickstand.
• You drive around a parking lot for fun.
• Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
• You have to duct tape your gloves on.
• You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
• Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
• You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Tree 1: "Hey look, Mother Nature's coming!"

Tree 2: "Look busy."

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom. "What's a bitch and a pussy?" "Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat." The boy thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad. "What's a bitch and a pussy?" Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy. "Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!"

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day, and asked her what that was that she had between her legs. "That is something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it either, because it has teeth." Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs, because he was very scared. One day, however, he met the love of his life and, in time, they got married. On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there. "No," he said, "it's got teeth." "Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!" "Well, I'm not surprised," the man said. "Not with gums like that."