A Texas father announces to the bar that his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds," The bartender is concerned: "What the hell happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father describe all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest, and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said. "He needs a change." The father was very perplexed, saying, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!"
Standing in Line
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "Hey, Dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet, Son, she'll hear you." "But, Dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that, Son, it's not nice!" "But, Dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that, Son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's cell phone began beeping. "Look out, Dad, she's backing up!"
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him, "coats and jackets".
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking" and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".
Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".
Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says..."Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!