Scrotum

A daughter asked her mother, "Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'?" Her mom replied, "Honey, you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”

Motherisms!

• My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about."
• "If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me!" Variation: "Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me!"
• "If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!"
• "You always find things in the last place you look."
• "Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way."
• "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....
• "I want you to go find something for me to spank you with."
• Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains! He's your son!"
• "I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."
• "What were you thinking of?" "Well, I..." DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING. Mom, can I... [Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no. Variation: Mom... [Interrupting] NO!
• Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!
• Go ask your father, you're his fault. Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?
• Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own!
• You're in big trouble when your Father comes home! If your not home by 6:00, your grounded!
• Flush the toilet and wash your hands! Because I SAID so! Just because, that's why.
• You're grounded.
• Just do it, or else.
• Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!) Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)
• If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!
• (At dinner): "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it! Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"
• Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago??? - I da know........ Well you must know. What were you doing??? - Nothing......
• You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy - better than spoiling the candy by eating dinner
• ONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR........... - oh oh, now she means business!!!
• When you get married and have kids you'll understand.
• Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have a good time.
• No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer.
• "Hey" is for horses.
• If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with.
• Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all.
• Let me kiss it and make it better.
• [your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s] = Uh oh. You're in trouble!
• Carrots are good for your eyes.
• But Popeye eats all his spinach!
• Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)! Eat all your dinner or no dessert.
• You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!!
• Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.
• I'm very disappointed in you.
• I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.
• No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding it.
• Kootchie coo!
• Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good!
• Electrical sockets are not for baby. That's just for looks.
• Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH!
• Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug?
• I'm going to count to three...
• Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!
• It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed proudly)
• No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands. USE SOAP!
• NO. If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?
• God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.
• What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)
• Sit up straight.
• I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/ his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt..What is it, Halloween?
• Eat your beets.
• Of course you're going to church.
• You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain.
• Stop slouching.
• If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot, you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)
• Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely.
• Do you know what happened to all the cookies?
• Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes!
• I don't know how you can read/watch that trash.
• In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS! A little hard work never killed anybody.
• Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm!
• The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you!
• You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him!
• If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya!
• Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes.
• (Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.)
• I'll tuck you in in just a second.
• Stop running in the house!
• Did I raise you kids in a barn? Look at this mess!
• Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.
• Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't know you exist.)
• Hang up your clothes!
• Your father is a busy man.
• Take out the trash.
• What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for??
• Don't get lost! Look both ways before crossing the street.
• Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store.
• Say You're sorry.
• Put it back.
• Put that down.
• Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail.
• Come here. Come here. Come here. I won't tell you again! - good!
• When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents.
• Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you.
• What's for dinner? - It's a surprise!
• Why didn't you go before we got in the car?
• I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one!
• No, and that's final!
• One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble.
• Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!! Cut it out right this minute.
• I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how.
• Stop bugging your little sister.
• What do you say?/What's the magic word?
• Say "excuse me".
• Eat your peas.
• There are children starving in Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)
• Half begun is half done.
• Don't lie to me young man/lady!
• Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting on TV!
• What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?
• Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.
• No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen! (Moral: don't ask!)
• That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one.
• Purple's not your color, you look sallow.
• Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!
• Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around looking like that.
• Stand up straight and stop slouching.
• A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone.
• Save a lot, spend a little.
• Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out.
• We worried sick!
• What will the neighbors think?
• What did you DO until 4 AM?"
• Is having a good time all you think about?
• You're no child of mine!!!
• Well...What seems to be the problem with you?
• I'm really worried about your grades!
• I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it!
• There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you!
• Where did we go wrong?
• "Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!"
• Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed!
• You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body!
• I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!) / Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't.
• This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen!
• Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here!
• Do you know how many HOURS I was in labor with you?
• I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?! Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.
• Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour) builds character!
• Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities)
• Are you really going to wear that?
• I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them.
• Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes.
• You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.
• When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal
• It's always fun until somebody gets hurt.
• You kid, whatever your name is!
• The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm your mother.
• Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window.
• Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF!
• I hate computers.
• Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by.
• You did WHAT!
• "Go tell your father he wants you now."
• "I don't want to wash my hands.." "Okay, only wash one of them"
• [In response to "where is my....?" type questions] "the uterus is not a homing device."
• There'll be tears before bedtime!
• When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!!
• Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
• Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
• You feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better?
• How could you be so stupid?
• If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
• You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
• If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
• When are you going to grow up?
• I'm only doing this for your own good.
• Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
• What's wrong with you?
• Someday you'll thank me for this.
• If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so.
• Are you lying, or are you just stupid?
• Well, you've ruined everything.
• Now are you happy?
• I'm only doing this because I love you.
• In my day we didn't have money to throw around.
• We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school, and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.
• Does it look like I'm made of money?
• Money doesn't grow on trees you know.
• If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it hit with the belt.
• That's not music; that's just NOISE!
• "Shut your mouth and eat."
• (Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living out of it."
• I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!

Daughter's Eighteenth Birthday

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."