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The best jokes and joke writers!

No Children

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.

Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

Bad One Night Stand

On a long walk in the woods, Johnny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johnny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either. The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. "What's wrong?" asked Johnny. "Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night."

Love, Love, Love

One of the most painful things in the world is when you say "I love you" and it isn't reciprocated

Especially when you've just said it to your parents

Lawyer's Daughter

Once, there was a lawyer. This lawyer had a wife and a little girl whom he loved. He made a good living and was pretty satisfied with life. He was surprised when his daughter began avoiding him one day. Goodnight kisses stopped. Hugs were few and far between. She never sat on her father's lap anymore and practically refused to listen to bedtime stories from him. The lawyer began to get more than a little frustrated with this behavior and decided to talk to his daughter about it. He brought it up with her. She wouldn't talk to her father and so she wrote a note to be given to him via her mother. When the lawyer read the note, he was a bit shocked. This is what it read:
"Mindy's dadee sayz that lawyers suk the blood ouwt of aneeone thay come close to. i dont want yu to suk mi blod, so dont come clos to me pleas. thank yu. sophie."

Road Lessons

While on a trip with the family, I thought it would be good to teach my 5 year old daughter some things. As we past a sign I told her that is the name of the town for the next exit. As we past the exit I told her how we were passing the town. A few exits later she noticed the sign for gas. As we passed the exit, much to her delight, she informed us we were passing gas.