The Cost of a Rented Tux
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Phone For Texas Aggie
Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news. "Shure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning." "Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?" "No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out." About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright. "Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned the Aggie. "That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have a date. Her brother felt sorry for her and decided to help. He offered to take her. She was reluctant, but finally gave in. At the dance, they just sat there. Her brother offered to dance. She was reluctant, but finally gave in. After the dance, her brother took her to Makeout Mountain. She was reluctant, but finally gave in. It got hot and heavy, and they ended up having sex. Afterwards, she turned to her brother and said "Man, you're better than Dad!" "Yeah, that's what Mom says, too!"
In My House
After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher. "In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother."
From Matt Groening's Big Book Of Hell, here are "Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me."
The Sleeping Alligator Story
Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.
Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?
The Boy-Trap Warning
Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.
Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.
The Alphabet Trick
Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.
Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.
The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler
Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?
You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!
The Lure Of New Toys
Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.
You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.
Bro/Sis: This time we won't.
The Snowflake Story
Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!
You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!
Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.
The Movie Switcheroo
You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!
Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.
Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet
Tom. You: I don't see anybody.
Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.
You: Oh sure.
Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.
You: Hi, Tom.
The family reunion, twenty years later...
Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.
Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.