A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotchman and Paddy Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. Paddy Englishman goes first and yells, "Gold!" and lands in gold. Paddy Scotsman goes next and screams, "Silver!" so he lands in silver. Paddy Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out, "OH SH*T!"
Scottsmen With Kilts
Q: Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?
A: The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.
A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.
They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
Well Adjusted Lad
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. "I'm fine" Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time." "Well, ma laddie" says his mother "I suggest you don't associate with people like that." "Oh" says Angus "I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes."