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The best jokes and joke writers!

Back From the Dead

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened? "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

When God Created Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

Made in Canada

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton. "No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."" Easily done. Anything else?" "Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Tolerance

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says: "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs." “Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point...It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

A Cultural Comparison

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
  • Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
  • Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
  • Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
  • Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
  • Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
  • Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer
  • Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness
  • Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
  • Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
  • Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
  • Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
  • Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
  • Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
  • Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball
  • Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
  • Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  • Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
  • Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
  • Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
  • Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
  • Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
  • Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
  • Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
  • Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
  • Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.