Disease / Afflictions Jokes

I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy.

That shit was expensive.

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
4. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
5. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
6. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
7. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
8. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
9. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
10. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

There's more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is an old colonial cemetery where the grave markers are flat.  A man and woman sneak in there one night after a Halloween party to make love.  The next day the woman is complaining of a terrible back ache, so she goes to see her doctor.  The doctor asks her to put on a gown and examines her back but finds nothing wrong.  He asks her how old she is, and she says 28.  The doctor says that's interesting because it says on your ass that you died in 1784.

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" "Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom." The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?" "Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither." The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."