Extremely Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Define Agony

Q: What is the definition of Agony?
A: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

Christmas Eve Dyslexic

Let's spare a thought for dyslexic children around the world this Christmas eve.
Lying awake in bed, worried sick about having Satan climb down their chimney.