I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.
They said just do it.
Why was it that the Kamikaze pilots used helmets?
Q: How does a Russian commit suicide?
A: He smells his armpit.
Q: How does an American commit suicide?
A: He tells this joke to a Russian.
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "President Obama was just implicated in another scandal and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: Because he saw his gas bill.