Dark Humor Jokes - Suicide Jokes

At the Polish-Russian border, a Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here at the border!"

"What? Oh please no! The paperwork! And in 30 minutes we'd be relieved and I want to go on vacation. C'mon, help me, we take him down and hang him over to the Polish side, let them deal with the guy!"

And they do. They cut down the corpse and carry it over a few yards past the border to tie him back up onto a Polish tree. Quickly they walk on and finish their patrol.

Not even an hour later, a Polish patrol comes along. The guard sees something dangle in the wind, he pauses, stares at it wide-eyed, and yells

"I can't believe it! Miroslav, come quick! He is back!"

I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide.

The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

Q: Who was most surprised by Epstein’s suicide?

A: Epstein

A man calls the hotel front desk. "Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?" "My wife is trying to jump out of the window..." "Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smart-ass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"