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The best jokes and joke writers!

Apple Juice

Q: You know why I drink apple juice?

A: Because OJ will kill you.

Your Father is Drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk. He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track. Sooooooo.... You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye, Daddy's home and I think he's... Daddy's home and boy is he... Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

Eminem's Divorce

  • That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.
  • Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.
  • Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.
  • Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...
  • Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.
  • I mean come on, people... the dude lost to Steely Dan.
  • Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum.

    And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .
  • Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.

Can't Win

Johnny comes to school with a black eye.

Teacher: what's wrong?

Johnny: our house is very small, me, my mom and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping. If I say no then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet and don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping... I shut up and kept dead still.

Then my dad and mom start moving, you know, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up and making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mom, "are you coming?"

Mom said: "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"

Dad answered: "Yes."

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too.

What OJ Has

Q: What does OJ have that every man wants?

A: A Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife!