I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
The Final FBI Test
There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and they are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test. "We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wife's cell and kill her." The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been married too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out. The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wife's cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out. So the Ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wife's cell. "That fucking bitch is really going to get it." Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The Ukranian came out with cuts and bruises all over his face. The agent asked, "What the hell happened in there?" The Ukranian replied, "Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!"
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Q: You know why I drink apple juice?
A: Because OJ will kill you.