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The best jokes and joke writers!

Anything You Want

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition. 'Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. 'The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...'Paint my house.'

Girl at the Bar

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

The Conventioneer from Saskatchewan

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?".  "Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."  "Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

Want to Dance?

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"

First Time Hillbilly Hook Up

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when a woman slides up next to him. "You're cute," says the woman, "do you want to go back to my place and have some nasty sex?" "You bet!'' exclaims the hillbilly, "But I have to tell you, I'm a virgin. I've always been scared because my mom told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs, and sometimes they bite."
"Don't worry," the woman says, and the two head back to her place, where she strips and shows the hillbilly her private parts. "Now, does it look like I have teeth down there?" she asks. "How could you possible have teeth down there?" he says, "Look at the shape your gums are in."