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The best jokes and joke writers!

Miscommunication at a Bar

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking, "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

Girl at the Bar

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Wood Eye

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"

Lesbian

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"

Lifestyle Acronyms

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I'm a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I'm a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I'm a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I'm a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I'm a WIFE." Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."