Alcoholics With the Police

Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror. Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps. Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking. Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and did the same.
The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?" Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep," said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on y'all's forehead?"
Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."

The Golden Toilet

There was this guy, let's call him Bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "Wait a minute, there was a golden toilet!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "Hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!"

Another Shot

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."