Free Drinks for Everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

Puzzled Doctor

The Doctor was puzzled, "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be the drink. " "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

Guess Your Weight

An elderly madam walks into a bar, and announces that she will spend the night with whoever can guess the weight of her pet canary that's sitting on her little finger. 
An old drunk yelled out, "Fifty pounds!"
She replied, "Close enough."