Duck and Rabbi

A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head. "What's the deal?" the bartender asks. The duck says, "It's opposite day."

Alien Imports

An alien walked into a bar and sat down next to a burly-looking construction worker. He ordered a tequila, then turned to the construction worker, poked him in the arm and said, ''Mommy!'' The man shuddered and said, ''Man, get off me!'' But the alien just looked at him, poked him again, and said, ''Mommy!'' The man got up and left the bar, muttering about the damn alien imports. The alien sighed, turned to the bartender and asked for a copy of the Chicago Times. The bartender gave it to him, and to his surprise, the alien started reading it with his dick! ''Man!'' said the bartender, ''If you read with your dick, then how in the hell do you have sex?'' The alien smiled, poked him in the arm and said ''Mommy!''

Pulled Over, Too Drunk

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road. "Get out of the car, please." "But I'm not drunk, officer!" "Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway." "Fine," says the man and gets out of the car. "Okay, now walk this white line." The man looks at the line. "Which one of them do I walk on?"