Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play something by Justin Bieber for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Hard of Hearing Genie
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box?" The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer." So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano! Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats pretty cool, where did ya' get that?" The man says "I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a genie and a lamp." The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer." The man says "Oh, Okay!" The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp. The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out! The genie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?" The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!" And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist?"
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Name That Tune
A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.
The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.
They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him.
"Guess that song!" his oppressor demanded.
"Ah, that one's easy!," he exclaimed, triumphantly. "It's William Tell Overture... titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump."
Heavy Metal Guitarist
Q: How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.