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The best jokes and joke writers!

Two Eagles Are Soaring Along

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

Jumping Turtle

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top then jumps into the air waving his front legs until he lands on the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again, jumping and hitting the ground with a thud. A couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with sympathy. After several jumps, the female bird said to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

The Bird of True Love

Q: If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

A: The Swallow.

Tree Talk

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Special Parrot

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.  He asked the salesman for some assistance. The sales guy brought the man to a parrot in the back.  "Now this is the perfect pet for your wife. Chet is a very special animal", the salesman said.  "What makes him so special?", the man asked.  The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot and Chet started to sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells..", and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing, "Deck the halls...".  So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"  "Well I don't know", answered the salesman.  So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing.  "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."