Snake Eyes

Q: What snakes are found on cars?
A: Windshield vipers.

Couple's Round of Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Dog's Rule of Life

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just lives by a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!"