Beer Before the Trouble

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks what he'll have.
The man replies, "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts. The bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says, "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts." Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about. The man says, "Give me a beer and I might just tell you." The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night." The man says, "Ohh, now the trouble starts..."

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Russian, Mexican, Texan

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are hanging out in a bar. The Russian tosses up a whiskey bottle and says, "We have a lot of these back home." The Texan tosses up the Mexican and says, "We have a lot of these back home."