Girls Night Out
Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said, "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"
Drinking Code
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walked into a bar.
The brunette said to the bartender "I'll have a B and C."
"What's a B and C?" asked the bartender.
"Bourbon and Coke," replied the brunette.
"I'll have a G and T," said the red head.
"What's a G and T?" asked the bartender.
"Gin and tonic." replied the red head.
"I'll have a15," said the blonde.
"What's a 15?" asked the bartender.
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"Duh, a 7 and 7."
DNR
A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
Perfect Day
HER PERFECT DAY:
- 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
- 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
- 9:30 - Light breakfast
- 11:00 - Sunbathe
- 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
- 1:45 - Shopping
- 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
- 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
- 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
- 10:00 - Make love
- 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIS PERFECT DAY:
- 10:00 - Wake up
- 10:02 - SEX
- 10:10 - Big Breakfast
- 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
- 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
- 3:15 - SEX
- 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
- 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
- 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
- 6:40 - SEX
- 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
- 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
- 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
- 11:10 - Sleep
- 2:30 - Fart
My Guinness
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
