Alcohol Jokes

Two wives go out for girls' night.  Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.  One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave.  The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said, "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walked into a bar.

The brunette said to the bartender "I'll have a B and C."

"What's a B and C?" asked the bartender.

"Bourbon and Coke," replied the brunette.

"I'll have a G and T," said the red head.

"What's a G and T?" asked the bartender.

"Gin and tonic." replied the red head.

"I'll have a15," said the blonde.

"What's a 15?" asked the bartender.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"Duh, a 7 and 7."

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."