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The best jokes and joke writers!

College Students

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse." One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

You Know You're a Teacher If...

  • You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
  • You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
  • You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
  • You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
  • When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
  • When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
  • You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
  • You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
  • You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
  • You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Visit to the Brothel

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..." Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants

Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors:

LATE HOMEWORK - When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.

DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS -

  1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
  2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.

LECTURES -

  1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
  2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.

GRADING -

  1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance.
  2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.

GRADING ERRORS - If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A.

EXTRA CREDIT -

  1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
  2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it.

CHEATING -

  1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
  2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include:
  • The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly.
  • The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
  • The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
  • The microphone is an output device.
  • "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds.
  • MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP.
  • When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory.
  • Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir".
  • CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal.
  • Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing.

LAB - You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties:

  • "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet."
  • "My disk erased itself!"
  • " Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week."
  • "Directory? What's that?"
  • "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer." 

Here are the solutions to the most common problems:

  • P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor
  • P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
  • P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
  • P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer.
  • P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.

Tardy Attention

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked. "I don't know," the student said. "Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor. "That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"