Profession Jokes - Psychiatrist Jokes
Things to do visiting your Therapist
Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:
- Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
- Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
- Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
- Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
- After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"
- Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
- Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
- Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".
- Sit underneath your chair.
- Stand on your head.
- Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
- Never stop smiling.
- Scream every word.
- Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
- Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
- Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
- Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
- Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
- Eat his books.
- Talk to his leg.
- Don't face him when he talks to you.
- Talk really slowly.
- Try to eat your hand.
- If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
- Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
- Pretend you hear music.
- Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
- Pretend to drink.
- Offer him an imaginary cookie.
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
At the Crazy Farm
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"
You Hear It Too?
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, he too put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
The Problem with Mental Testing
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"